The Pope Joke

So the jokes are coming thick and fast eh? Yes they are so here goes:

The Pope arrives into New York, New York. He waves at the crowd and battles his way to the car that's arrived to collect him. The chauffeur jumps from the beautiful Bugati Veyron sent to collect him.
"Your holiness please be seated and comfortable"
"My child," replies the pope. "This is a stunning machine let me drive."
"Your holiness I would love to but I couldn't..."
"Nonsense, I live in Italy; driving sports cars is not hobby but a way of life."
Defeated, and hugely out ranked, the chauffeur obliges and the Pope jumps behind the wheel.
Although a careful driver it is clear that during a clear stretch the pope just wants to floor the car and see how fast he can go.
Needless to say after a few minutes of going flat out attention is attracted and especially that of the local police. The blues and twos start up and the typical American cop gets out of his cruiser and strolls to the door, the chauffeur cringing in his chair.
The pope winds down the window and the cop is taken aback at the view before him. "God bless you my child," gestures the Pope.
Somewhat scared the cop feebly squawks "Don't go anywhere please, sir" and runs back to his bike.
He gets on the radio to his sheriff.
"What is it now rookie?" the sheriff enquires annoyedly.
"I think I've made a big mistake and stopped someone really important for speeding."
"Tell me it's not the mayor because I've.."
"No it's not the mayor, he's more important than that!"
"Not Senator Johnson, please tell me not him."
"No, of course not sir he's more important than that!"
"More important than... boy you've not stopped the big one, tell me it ain't the president."
"No I can't believe it either," the rookie shakily admits; "he's more important than that."
"More important than the president: there's nobody. Who is it?" the sheriff sounding a bit more relieved now.
"Sir I think I've stopped God!" the cop finally reveals.
"God!? Oh you daft boy you are going to feel my wrath when you get back to the station. Just book him and get back here."
"No no no," cries the rookie, "you don't understand. He has the Pope as a chauffeur!"

Two Blind Pilots

So I've heard this one before but I think its funny so here goes:

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Some Random Jokes

I'm afraid I can't take the credit for these, that belongs to Tommy Cooper:

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts and Hs."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... Boom boom!

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm,
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved.
He rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree.
A policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. And the dentist said to me "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.